Skinny to Fat... the Story of Neil and Edgar Burdock

The year was 1982. The place – Dublin, Ireland. An obese woman covered in reptilian like scales screams and contorts in a bed barely big enough to house her gargantuan tail. 21 hours of labour and 6 litres of amniotic fluid later, a small (not for long, as we shall see later) baby is born. His eyes are as blue as blue bottles, his waist still able to fit into a 32 jean pant, his entire life before him to make his parents proud.

By age 2 he was whisked off to sunny South Africa. His dad was given a job and so the family was relocated. Not because he was well educated (what degree?) but because he was white. Remember, back then things were different… right somehow. The boy continued to grow…. And grow.

Primary school came easily to this little lad. The taunts about his pale skin and emaciated physique bounced off him like bowling balls off his soon to be friends mom, known, at this early stage of her career, only as ‘the brothel owner’- Later she would become – Queen Lorraine Bredin, Whore of Whores.

Little Neil turned 12, and the overwhelming nerd he was during primary school came to its maturity when he was made prefect and head of. His reptilian mother was so proud. Things were good for the Burdock family… but things change, as they so often do.

High school is the point where this skinny boys life turns to misery. Standard six begins with his first cigarette, closely followed (4 min 30 seconds later) by his first marijuana joint. Six months later his first LSD cap is taken, closely followed (1 week later) by his first ecstasy tablet. Throw in alcohol and benzene and I think what we had was a fire hazard so extreme it makes the twin towers disaster look like something out of The Jungle Book.

And so it went, for 3 years this boy becoming man flew through drink and drugs like there was no tomorrow, slowly gaining weight, on his way to becoming the sif we know today. Then the mammoth weight gain was stopped dead in its tracks. Neil suffered a broken jaw in an incident to this day his parents still think was a ‘fall’. This resulted in a jaw wiring, which saw his pasty body wither away again, back to the unsightly mess it was 10 years before. However, as this story has foretold, nothing lasts forever. The wires were cut and the boy was allowed to drink again.

2 more years of chaos and 4 written off cars later, his parents pride of the past had been long replaced by disgust for their wretched son, their Damien. For months during his final year they toiled over what they should do to change their sons ways, to make him a man. They knew the best thing would be to send him away from Johannesburg, with all its influences. But where, where could he go where he wouldn’t drink so much, where he would study hard and become everything they wanted him to be? Only one place came to mind – Rhodes University.

Another turning point in our protagonists story. He arrived at Rhodes a modest 76kg. For a person of 6 ft that wasn’t so bad. Not exactly manly, but not the monsters (yes, plural) he was to become. Fuelled by friends in a ghastly hovel known as Adamson, the drinking spiralled out of control as did Neil’s weight. With the continuous drinking, res food and lack of exercise, his body expanded at a record pace. Within a year the once thin, pasty fuck became large, too large, beyond control and repair. His body was like Einstein’s universe, always expanding, much to his friend’s delight. The jokes began, slowly at first, but gaining in complexity and spite as quickly as his waistline gained in girth. But, as they had in the past, the taunts meant little to Neil and nothing could curb this mans enthusiasm for the good life… until his mother, now in her fifties and shedding her skin up to twice a day, called him fat infront of all his peers. This was the final straw.

Neil decided to get his life together. He started jogging and cycling. Or should I say, he jogged, once, and cycled, once. It seemed this mans lazyness was overpowering. There was no escape.

By the time the boy left Rhodes, he was content with his weight, no longer waking up in cold sweats on a nightly basis wondering how he’d wasted his life, and he was only 22. He decided to move to London and make it as computer programmer (fat, pale and programming, life doesn’t get better than this). With his past behind him (where else could it be), he thought the future looked bright. But he forgot one thing – Guinness flows from the taps in this City.

He consumed mass amounts of this ale. Never holding back, never saying no. The Ireland he left so many years ago was still in his blood, well it was back in his blood now. And so the belly known only as Ed awoke, hungry and in need of some major life changes. He grew, and grew and grew, becoming the not so little brother Neil had never wanted, and within one month Neil had amassed another 10kg to his already tragic form. 98kg. When would it stop….

This is a tale that has no end. It will be told for generations to all as a bogey man story. ‘Eat your vegetables or you’ll turn out like Neil and Ed’. Neil/Ed – separate entities, one gigantic body – each one struggling for control in a harsh world.

Good night all. Sleep tight, don’t let the humiliation bite.

a story in the making by JakeFrankDogg

A story in the making, a cripple without legs? What’s the purpose of all this crying? There is no one to defend. If everyone would get the point, perfect to every extreme. What would all the clouds do? Make rain? The beginning and the end are irreversible, the planet full of dreams. Please would someone call me? I am Myself, master of destiny and the pinnacle of all existence.

A state of mind, a thought, consciousness in its truest form. The moment when obscurity transforms into Light, as clear as cold water and just as refreshing.

Yesterday evening I went for a run, taking a calculated guess that it would not rain hard and that it would not become a storm. The clouds were light and wispy, and the air was warm. I got about 600m down the road when it started to drizzle. Then it started to rain, and rain harder, and finally, hail. Not bad hail, just small and fast, and painful enough to make me feel really alive. I didn’t continue my run for long, but while I headed home, there was lightening all around me, thunder forcing itself into my ear, taking advantage of any gaps left by the rain drops themselves. My feet were squelching in muddy shoes, my t-shirt sticking to my body, and a general ‘I am so not happy right now’ feeling going down. However, I was happy. I was alive, breathing, smelling, hearing, tasting, and feeling… feeling alive.

Okay. Now that the random soppy shite is out of the way, I can move onto something far more exciting. Robert scratched his head. He wondered if he really did look like the Ape the cartoonist had depicted him as. He despised those cockroaches that unrelentlessly portrayed him as a bad person. He was fed up with everything. His ambitious followers would stab him in the back the minute he turned it on them. He had to be very careful to pander to their needs, while at the same time ensuring that he was the primary beneficiary in any activities undertaken. He was an evil man. A man with the ability to cast off guilt as a simple fisherman casts a net off his Dow. A sort of malevolence had long ago replaced his sense of pride, although he didn’t realise it or acknowledge it to anyone who pointed it out to him. He had become a grumpy old man (I do love a good euphemism). Any attempt to criticise was taken as an attack on self, and punished with a swiftness and severity few were willing to endure.

I wonder what it is like having millions of people thinking you are a vile person? I imagine, given the correct personality type, it would be easy to say ‘so many people hate me already, what is another 2 million or so?’ You might as well set up your family for success, make them lots of money and give them powerful friends. When you go, you go with the knowledge that no one can punish the other members of your family for your crimes. So they will be happy in the knowledge that their daddy worked hard for their money. What better way to show how appreciative you are of Bob’s hard work than to go buy a Ferrari or Yacht or something extravagant that you have no idea what to do with, but you saw on the pages of Fortune Magazines ‘500’ edition.

Do you think that in years to come, people will look back and think ‘how was it possible for the rest of the world to let Bush and America interfere in a sovereign state on the notion that they might be in the early stages of nuclear weapon development programs?’ Do you think they will ask: ‘was the American public so unquestioning that when the oil price went to $60 a barrel, they just accepted that it was because there was less oil than a year ago?’ Will they look back and say: ‘how was it possible for a guy to be so short and fast? How could the Knappy eat so much chicken? And why, oh why was the Hobbo guy such a praggie-prag?’

A good friend of mine once said ‘no idea’. And I believed him.

Another friend once told me I was the worst joke teller in the world. I also believed him, but I want you to imagine me delivering these pearlers:

“If you think that's good, wait till you see the floor show – which will no doubt be more outrageous than the incredibly outrageous thing that just preceded it!”

"Look, I'm still a dog. Just because I speak and hang out at bars doesn't mean I can't feverishly lick the sweat from my own balls."

"Asthma? But I thought you said you would run away with me!"

"What pâté? This is my stool sample."

Then the doctor says, "OK, now it's MY turn to cough!"

That's when President Bush starts shouting, "Filibuster me harder, Senator Fuckhorse!"

"Then the fat cannibal turns to the skinny one and goes, "I prefer white meat, but the rosemary was an inspired addition to the recipe."

And the pigeon was like, "Hey man, don't be getting' all up in my guano!"

And so the drunk shouts, "Laugh at me if you want, but let me remind you that you're all overgrown, emotionally stunted adolescents who can't make an informed, adult decision or even honestly face the wasteland of your pathetic life without filling your eyeballs with enough beer and liquor as to distort these painful facts."

When I said, "tea bag," I meant like the hot, invigorating beverage!

Courtesy of http://www.chickenhead.com/bottom50/punchlines.asp

Some of my favourite word:
Sublime
Lithe
Grotesque
Statuesque
Populate
Morbid (curiosity)
Forbidden
Lengthy
Endurance
Wicked
Sock
Weasel
Supreme
Brother
Field
Slaughter
Slender
Arctic
Crinkle
Shimmer
Insane
Fart
Slippery
Gradient
Begin

Hello.

So this weekend is going to be pretty hectic then. I was wondering if perhaps I should leave my dignity and self-respect at home when I go out on Saturday. That way, I won’t have it in the first place to lose. I was looking at Knappy the other day, and I thought ‘man that guy likes beer’. And you know what? That is true. It does like beer.

The topic of this next paragraph is:

‘how traffic lights quietly dominate the earth: they're the ones in control’

Think about it. They have the ultimate power. Humans have given it to them, but at the moment they have the power. Most of the time they chose not to use it, but every now and hen, when you least expect it, or least need it, they will throw a spanner into the works. When was the last time you really needed to get somewhere by a certain time? Of course every robot along the way stopped you and made you late. The more you stress, the more they can feel your presence, and the longer they remain red. Even if there is no other traffic. It’s just you sitting, waiting for the non-existent cars to cross the intersection, forever waiting. When you are really late and need to actually make up time, or you have a very important appointment to keep, then things really get bad. The traffic lights sense you are approaching from kilometers away, and start to build up traffic. By the time you get there, there is a 900m long queue. The only allow one or two cars to get though at a time, until you are close enough to see what trickery they are using. Then suddenly, when you are 8 cars from the front of the queue, the light will let all seven in front of you go, but force you to be a good person and stop for the (by then) red light.

If you need to get to an important presentation, or some other important event (like the birth of your first child), traffic lights really get nasty. They will in fact turn themselves off. And have you ever noticed how along a certain route, all the lights are off. This is because they communicate, and prepare for your arrival. No one these days knows how to treat broken lights, so everyone just drives, causing accidents, which further log the roads. You are doomed. You might as well go home and sleep. The lights will stop at nothing to cause you to be painfully late. You will miss the presentation (or your child’s birth), you will not get a promotion (or any action for the rest of you marriage) and you will live like a dog in a kennel for the rest of your life (and you will live like a dog in a kennel for the rest of your life).

Viva le Traffic Light. Viva!


“Here's a toast to all those who hear me all to well.Here's to the night we felt alive.Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry.Here's to goodbye tomorrow's going to come to soon.”

Chickenhead

One of the funniest sites we've ever seen. Follow the links to the related pages, they are also brilliant.

www.chickenhead.com

the Frederick Saga Continues...

Chopper:


Fred woke with a start. No sound and no light. Where was he? In the pitch black he wondered if he had just sprung into existance. A figment of the imagination of a far off stranger. Someone cruel and twisted, forcing his hand to do the things he knew were wrong but enjoyed so. "Give me the world" he thought as if speaking to his stranger. A cricket began to chirp and a river began flow outside in a creek that was now old. Slowly he became aware of his body; neck became back which inturn stretched into legs. His arms grew along his desk and sprouted fingers.Fred felt alive and lifting his head from the desk he reached for the lamp and switched it on. His room lit with a cold unnatural light and he smiled. Home.

Standing up he stretched his hands over his head and leaned back into a giant yawn. He checked his watch, 4 am, plenty of time before the plan must be executed.Gone were the rat experiments. They were a thing of the past, a preparation for what he knew he must do now. Fate had finally been kind, a human subject had bee dangled in front of him and he knew that it was now time to act. The room was cold but Fred didn't notice, his mind was bent on the task ahead. Working in such a trance he was oblivious to the world outside, a world that was now beginning to stir.

First came the crickets, they inturn woke the birds whose song filtered through the blinds into the warm confines of Esmeralda's private sanctuary. She felt herself begin; her heart woke her head which in turn spread a warmth throughout her body and she was happy, inextricably happy. Today was the day that she had been waiting for. Her first date with the boy of her dreams. Frederick von Swinehund.

Mrs B's 2 cents

MRS B
We are all but recent leaves on the same old tree of life and if this lifehas adapted itself to new functions and conditions, it uses the same oldbasic principles over and over again. There is no real difference betweenthe grass and the man who mows it. Now if we take the grass as time, and theman mowing it as human perception, what does that mean about mans perceptionof time? Does it mean that man perceives that he in fact controls time onsome level and can shorten it at will? Or does it mean that man is in factafraid of time an must regularly try to maintain some form of control overit? Now about this cat, what if we say for example ran over the cat with thelawnmower, what would that mean?

Still More Pseudo

THE KING PRAWN
Not only that, but it is also supposed to prove that any object or being is itself subject to its relativity to any other object or being. For example, once the lid has been put onto the box, who is to say that the cat doesn’t exist? It could be in one of several states (live, dead or not exist). We could argue that it is in all of these states at once until such time as we open the lid and observe its actual state.

More Pseudo

JAKEFRANKDOGG
well, we know that if we put a cat into a box, and close the lid, the cat will be in there. But without being able to see the cat, we have no idea where it is in the box. To the observer, the cat might as well (in fact it might) not exist. Once the box is opened, and the cat is visible, we can wee that in fact it does exist and its position within the box. Given our position in time and space, without having an external point of reference, it is impossible to tell where we are in a given multidimensional plane.

Pseudo-Intellectualism is Fun (part 3)

THE KING PRAWN
That is my point. Time is intangible to us because it is beyond our scope of definition. What I’m saying, is that just because we can’t measure something, we can’t rule it out of existence. We can see the effects of time. Your computer screen is in a particular position in space and time. You could move it to another position. The fact that, relative to you, there is only one screen at any point proves space and time exists. Because, if there was no time, there would be two screens in front of you (actually an infinite number, to account for the movement). So time does exist as a human perception. It is directly unquantifiable and cannot be defined, but we can prove that it exists. I think. Insert some theory about a cat in a box here.

Pseudo-Intellectualism is Fun (Part 2)

JAKEFRANKDOGG
Of course The KING PRAWN is correct and the KNAPPY is incorrect. Time does exist. it is the Human perception of time (as a two dimensional line - future, present, past) that the knapton is refering to. So the Knapton could argue that his definition of flux is accurate for any human subject. and seeing that he was not trying to define flux for dogs, he is accurate. The true definition of flux would be hard to come by, considering that the space-time continuum is in more than three dimensions. thus, to our feeble brains, everything is happening everywhere at the same time, and nothing is everything and nothing (I mean absolute nothing - no light, dark, vacuum, pressure; no space, particles (atoms, electrons or quarks) exists (or does no exist I suppose) at some point in space time.

I think its best to stick to definitions we can define, rather than the ones we can't.

Pseudo-Intellectualism is Fun

THE KING PRAWN
I’ve been thinking about this. Your hypothesis is interesting but not sound. You make the assumption that time does not exist. But it does. It may not be tangible, but it is measurable. You are correct measuring it as a function of other things. However, it can be measured as a function of any range of things. For example, the time for an atom to move from one point to the next. How can you say that it is only a function of our humanity? First you have to define humanity and time immovable within that definition for your hypothesis to hold true. Then you also have to somehow prove that everything else is in turn a function of humanity. Just a thought. Use it, don’t use it.

What is the Flux?

Sometimes Knappy is one of the most profound people one could hope to meet. Philosophising succinctly with insightfulness. Other times he just defiles my bathroom. Here a case of the former:--

"For those of you who are not sure of what FLUX is, here we go:

The rate of flow per unit area of some quantity, such as the flux of cosmic rays or the flux of particles in the solar wind.Thus the flux of life is the rate at which our mind, body and soul journeys through time. We all experience things during life (one might say that our minds grow in 'units' with each new experience), hence it can be concluded that the flux of life is how long it takes for a'unit' of life to be experienced. But what is a unit of life? The answer to that question drifts further away the closer the answer appears to be. Let us just say that each new experience is a 'unit'. We believe that the time to experience these new 'units' varies drastically, but in essence each new 'unit' always takes the same timeto materialise. This is because time is merely a function of our humanity, and does not exist. Hence the flux of life is constant. It is always around us. We are swimming in the flux of life.

For those that are brave enough to venture into that dark abyss, I am open to ideas and thoughts on flux."

Ryan J. 05 / 10 / 2005